Being Scared Unloced…

I got a card in the mail the other day and it asked the question, “What would you do if you were not afraid?” When I saw the card so many thoughts and emotions ran through my head, and after staring at it for a while I just started to cry. I cried because I didn’t have an answer to that question, but also because I realized I have spent most of my life in fear. Afraid of disappointing people. Afraid of failing. Afraid of not being what people think I am. Afraid to be alone. Afraid of disruption. Especially in times like these when it is literally dangerous to just be a black person living in America, being afraid is a real everyday thing for me. I was just afraid. But mostly I have been afraid of myself. Afraid to be the real me. Afraid that who I was wouldn’t be good enough or accepted.
My counselor and I had a discussion recently about the way that I love. She pointed out to me that I always go above and beyond for people, even if it puts me in an uncomfortable position, because I am seeking their love and approval. I am a people pleaser. I always have been. I have prided myself on my ability to do for others even if it means sacrificing my own wants, needs, or desires. I thought this would make people love and accept me. I thought if other people were happy I would be too, but all it has done is caused me to be resentful, hurt, and scared. So wrapped up in other people’s thoughts of me that I had none of my own. The “rona” has taken its tole on me just like everybody else and all this time in my house alone has forced me to really sit with myself and examine myself, and I honestly did not like who I saw.
So after my crying session I made a decision. I decided to start doing things for me. Doing things that make me happy. Doing things that scare me. I decided to do things that brought me joy. Decided to stop caring about what people think, feel, or say about me. I am breaking out of this box that I have put myself in.I am going above any beyond for me! I decided to be myself, even if she scared me.
From now on, I am living my life for me and only me. I am learning it is okay to say no to things and it is okay to walk away from things. I am learning about things that interest me. I am building myself up. I am going to stop looking for other people to love me and love myself. I am done apologizing for things that I shouldn’t be sorry for. I am done making decisions based on what other people might say or do. I am done. I am still scared. Scared of the outcome. Scared of some people’s reactions, but I heard Sherri Shepherd say once “Do it scared.” so... I will.